


The Bond Letters

by Venstar



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: BAMF Q, BAMF R, Comedy, Diary/Journal, Kidnapped Q, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:24:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 16,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q has a whole notebook filled, with private writings, all about James.  James was unaware of this, until he stumbles across a small, ratty, tatty notebook that was so at odds with the pristine and crisp Quartermaster.  James was never supposed to ever find it or be aware of how Q really felt, but spy is always a spy. Now James can't help but wonder what it would be like to actually be on the receiving end of something so powerful outside of the journal writings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Property of Q

**Author's Note:**

> \--Sometimes I will re-read the Beatrice letters by Lemony Snicket and well, a plot bunny ran rampant as I imagined that Q had a whole notebook similarly filled with letters of longing that he shared with no one.  
> \--OK OK yes, moar regular writing follows. I'm trying out this format so bear with me.  
> 

￼

Property of Q


	2. Gallery

* * *

 

_ I hate that our first meeting had to be in the art gallery.  _

_  I hate that I had to pretend to admire a painting, rather than you.   _

_ I hate that you reminded me of a rough sketch and not fine art.  _

_  I hate that the gallery would never own anything as fine as that rough sketch.   _

_ I hate that you appreciated the craftsmanship of the gun I made you. _

_  I hate that your appreciation made me appreciate my work.  _

_  I hate that it took my focus entirely off of you. _


	3. Guns and Gloves

* * *

 

_ I think I hate that gun now.  _

_  I hate it because you appreciate it enough to hold it and keep it.  _

_  I hate you for placing your bare hands upon it.  _

_  I wish you would wear gloves when you use it, but then I would hate those gloves because they too, are allowed to touch your hands.   _


	4. Cover

* * *

 

_I hate your clothes as well.  All of them._

_I wish for them to be anywhere but on you, near you, touching you._

_But then I realize my hate is foolish, because then you would be bare and I hate the thought of how perfect you would be...bare_

_and then I would have to_ _cover you and I would hate that, just as I hate you._


	5. Broken Face

* * *

 

_ I hate your face.   _

_ I hate the fact that it's beautiful when it shouldn't be beautiful because you're so broken.   _

_ I hate your broken face.  _

_  I hate that I don't hate your broken face as much as I should, but I hate it all the same. _


	6. Blue Thesaurus

* * *

 

_ I hate the colour of your eyes.  _

_  I imagine I'll never see anything blue again without thinking of the colour of your eyes.  _

_  I hate that there are no words to describe them.   _

_ I would create an entire thesaurus dedicated to all the words that can not describe the intense blue.  _

_  Even that description is lacking, and I hate you for that. _


	7. Jack-in-the-Box

* * *

 

_ I hate that you walk as you've been taught.   _

_ I hate finding that you have snuck up on me. _

_ Steps as soft as i imagine you are not. _

_ You are certainly not your steps. _

_  I hate how it makes me half scared, half excited to see you after not hearing you.  _

_  I hate how you remind me of the fear and joy of the brightly colored jack-in-the box I had as a child.  _

_  I hate your soft footed approach because it means you are near me. _


	8. Dog's Paw

* * *

 

_I hate how you rarely smile._

_I hate that it means when you do, that I've earned it._

_I hate you for making me enjoy those horrible tiny smiles that I earned._

_It's like pulling thorns out of a dog's paw._

_All that effort for something so tiny._


	9. Yearly Bonus

* * *

 

_I have decided that I wish you wouldn't smile at me at all._

_I hate that I will work harder and longer for those smiles, because that was never part of job description._

_I hate that I want to demand they change the job description to include making you smile._

_I don't think I could live with only having your smile as a yearly bonus._

_No, I don't think I would like that, I wouldn't like that at all._


	10. Diffusing Smiles

* * *

 

_ I hate the smile lines around your eyes, around your lips.  _

_  I hate that they've been there all along and that I didn't put them there.   _

_ I want to press my fingers along them and trace the lines,  _

_ following the paths as I would if I were defusing a bomb.  _

_  I hate that by thinking about defusing bombs by tracing your smile lines it makes me want to take you apart  _

_ and once I took you apart I don't think I could stop.   _

_ I think I might break you, I hate you so much.   _


	11. Ill Fabric

* * *

 

_ I hate the perfect cut of your suits.   _

_ You wear them with such ease, that it makes me feel ill.  _

_  I wonder what I would have to do to cheapen myself to be allowed to touch that expensive fabric. _

_  If I ripped it off, I wouldn’t have to cheapen myself, but maybe I would cheapen you and I would hate that.  _

_  I satisfy myself with the brush of your expensive suit against the cheap material of my own cardigans. _


	12. Hideous

* * *

 

_ I wear my hideous cardigans, the more hideous the better, because you hate them. _

_  And if you hate them, then maybe you hate me, and I can accept that hate, because I hate you as well.   _

_ Again, your elbow brushed my elbow and I heard my cheap and your expensive clothing whisper to each other.   _

_ I wish I could whisper to you.   _

_ What would I say that couldn’t be said at the press of my fingers, the slide of lips?   _

_ I hate that I wouldn’t be able to talk to you at all. _


	13. Night

* * *

 

_ I hate myself for hating you.  _

_  I could no more hate you then I could hate myself, but I do.   _

_ Oh how I do.   _

_ Sometimes I hate you all day and sometimes, I hate you intensely, at night. _


	14. Lost Agents

* * *

 

_ I hate that the other agents aren’t you.   _

_ I hate that I try to put your face to each and every one,  _

_ as if it would make my job easier or harder,  _

_ I have no idea. _

_  I hate that I waste my time doing something so small and meaningless, _

_ because if it’s not you,  _

_ it’s meaningless and they are meaningless.  _

_  I hate that I can’t be in their presence without wishing that they meet no harm, _

_ only so that they can come back and I can pretend that they’re you again.  _

_  When they don’t come back,  _

_ that’s when it hurts the most,  _

_ because I’ve lost you.     _


	15. Favorite Cat

* * *

 

_ I hate that I’m not allowed to have a favorite.   _

_ I’m not sure if I have a favorite anything,  _

_ but if I did,  _ _ my list would consist of  _

_ striped pajamas,  _

_ warm woolly jumpers,  _

_ cats of all shapes and sizes,  _

_ but especially the ones that stalk and kill mice in an incredibly efficient manner.   _

_ They remind me of you.   _

_ I hate that you would be on my list of favorites, _

_ but since I can’t have a favorite,  _

_ I will secretly place you in the cat category.  _

_  I can have a favorite cat. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come...


	16. Bond

     James Bond hated Q’s anorak with a passion.  It was shapeless, bulky and the color of over boiled broccoli.  It was the complete antithesis of the slender, streamlined Quartermaster of MI-6.  Like with the former M’s nasty little bulldog statue, he and that coat had a staredown every day since he’d first laid eyes on it.  He hoped, God forbid that if something happened to Q, he wouldn’t will it to him out of spite.  Why today of all days, he had been determined to get rid of that coat, he’ll never know why.  He’ll just chalk it up to fate or something as equally disturbing.  

     He had returned from a mission and had made the trek down to Q-branch to turn in what remained of his kit and to see what the latest gadgets and guns were.  Unfortunately, Q was distracted out on the main floor of Q-branch, the daytime minions were out in full force, several field agents and a handful of double-oh agents were causing mayhem around the world.  Q was currently trying to untangle a nasty encryption program that 003 had found on his mark’s laptop, So he couldn’t bother him unless he wanted a very sharp and nasty version of Q.  He looked around for R.  He spotted her bright orange hair and cringed, she was dressed for battle wearing somber black from head to toe overlaid with a chainmail top.   _These children, these days_ , he thought.  

     James saw who she was doing battle with and backed slowly away.  A, the tall and elegant department head, from accounting was having a quiet conference with R, or she was trying to, but G, the burly young lady that was in charge of the Garage and Automotive division had piled R’s workstation with several blueprints and modifications to various vehicles.  A’s streamlined bun held her pens and styluses within it, and as R was trying to get funding approval from A, she would pull one out and poke at her tablet to show R and then shake her head, not a hair out of place.  Haggling had begun in earnest.  R’s bright orange hair was swinging back and forth, along with her hands as she waved them through the air, emphasizing her points, the chainmail clinking.  She kept knocking G’s blueprints off of her station, who was having to continually pick them up.  G finally stuck some down her blue coveralls and then would poke A in the ribs as she spoke.  A just kept brushing G’s pokes away from her with manicured fingers and eventually got into a tug of war with a roll of blueprints.  

     James could see Q glance up occasionally at the trio of women as they kept shoving paperwork and throwing numbers around, a small wrinkle in between his eyebrows and a frown upon his face. A’s polka-dotted dress was swinging around her legs as she chased R around and around her workstation.  G followed, brown curls bobbing, as all three ladies were very emphatic and Q was completely distracted.  James decided it was best to avoid both R and Q until they were done being busy, so he went to make himself at home in Q’s private office and turned towards Q’s desk, only to get a faceful of hateful anorak.  He glared at it for a moment and smiled to himself before his fingers snagged it off of it’s hook on the wall.  He swiftly rummaged through and emptied the pockets of anything important, only barely missing the hidden pocket inside, tucked up under the armhole.  His fingers nudged around until they slid in and found the small, nasty red notebook and a flat, stainless steel, credit card shaped knife and all-purpose- tool.  That was handy, he tucked both items into his own pockets.

     James had piled everything else on the desk, but too soon, the loud voices of R, A and G were moving towards Q’s private office, their voices were combined with Q’s soft, clear and precise, posh tone.  “Shit,” James muttered.  He jammed Q’s items back into his coat pockets and hung the coat back where it had been before stepping through the door.

     “007,” said Q, coming to a stop.  He narrowed his eyes at Bond, “What are you doing in my office?”

     “It’s got the comfiest couch.  You wouldn’t deny an old man his comforts would you?”

     “I would deny you a lot of things, 007, if I knew it would make any difference.  Run along, before you cause real mischief.”

     “Aye, sir,” Bond winked at Q before turning his attention to R, A and G.  “Ladies.”

     “Oh, get off it,” said G, putting her hands on her hips, her rolls of blueprints and schematics tucked under one arm, and her coveralls.  “Manners aren’t going to get you a new car out of me.  Not after what you did to that poor Martin, God rest it’s soul.” She crossed herself and looked heavenwards.

     “I won’t even think about funding that resurrection,” A said, slipping past G to enter Q’s office, completely ignoring Bond.

     “And by mischief, he means DAMAGE,” said R, elbowing him sharply in the ribs as she corralled G and Q into the office after A.  

     “Oof,” Bond grimaced at R’s sharp elbows.

     “Now, begone, before someone drops a house on you!” R stuck her tongue out at James before she quickly shut the door, pushing her bright blue glasses up her nose with her middle finger.

     “I almost had it,” James muttered to himself, before exiting Q branch.  Some of the minions smiling and nodding at him, others frantic behind their stations and the few brazen souls that got too close and clipped him as they rushed by.  He’d let them live today and at least he got something out of the whole debacle.

     James made his way to the gym lockers to take a peek at his pieces for his horde of stolen Q-branch items. He glanced briefly at the little notebook and wondered if he would need to give it back to Q, it did have his name on it, it was entirely possible that he actually took notes on it and they were too sensitive to be in electronic format yet.   The small knife and all-purpose-tool was definitely worth keeping, especially if it meant he’d be able to break into Alec’s locker and put his spare underwear somewhere fun, like Tanner’s office doorknob.  James sat down on the bench in front of the wall of lockers housing his and Alec’s.  Before he attempted to break into the locker, he loosened his tie and opened the notebook to the first page.

     The soft click of a locker opening had Bond drawing in a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.  He quickly shut the small, red, battered notebook so it fit between the palms of his hands at the small noise he heard.

     “Praying, Jameska?  Want to go a few rounds in the ring, put your prayers to use and shake your God up?” Alec asked as he rooted through his locker trying to find his workout gear.  

     “No, I’m done for the day.”

     Alec gave him an odd look as he started to undress himself, “You’re still in your civvies, they have wrinkles, which means you just came off of a mission and your hair’s dry.”

     James ran his hand through his hair and gave his oldest friend a small smile.  “You caught me.”

     “If it’s the company…”

     “It’s never the company.  See you later though, dinner?”  James asked as he rose from the bench.  He slid his hand up as if to adjust his Walther and slipped the tiny notebook into the inside pocket of his suit jacket.  

     “As long as you’re not cooking, sure.  Say hi to the Quartermishka for me.”

     “I’m not going…”

     “You’re always going.  Be nice, say hi for me, make me look good.”

     “Why would you want to look good for the Quartermaster?”

      “I am nice to everyone, Jameska.  Especially those that have the best toys.  At least that explains why you are not going to workout with me.  Wouldn’t want to mess up the Quartermishka’s favorite,”  Alec patted James’s face and laughed as James swatted him away.  

     James didn’t head down to Q-branch as Alec suspected.  He feared that he would give himself away or that Q would somehow know he had his notebook.  He brushed his hand down against his jacket and felt the slight ridge of the notebook beneath the soft fabric of his suit.  Secure in the knowledge that he still had it, James exited the headquarters of MI-6 to find a more private place to go through the dilapidated notebook he had pulled from Q’s horrendous anorak.


	17. Ideas

* * *

 

_ I should put better ideas on these pages, like grenade designs,  _

_ whether or not the cats are up to date on their rabies shots, or body armour.  _

_  But if I started to sketch the curve of a grenade,  _

_ I would think about the curve of your body.  _

_  If I thought about the cats, I would remember that you’re my favorite,  _

_ and if I designed body armour,  _

_ I would think about your body, so I don’t, but I do. _


	18. Timely Features

* * *

 

_ I wish that your features didn’t fill these pages.   _

_ This notebook was blank when I started and I hate that you fill it.   _

_ I would fill all of my time with you if I could, _

_ but I would have to steal a lot of clocks to do that,  _

_ which would find me arrested and out of a job, so instead, I fill these pages.   _


	19. Shallow Mind

 

* * *

 

_ Perhaps I should write about your mind, instead of your features.   _

_ I would hate for you to think that I am shallow and only focus upon the curve of your jaw,  _

_ y _ _ our lips, your neck, your...hmm...perhaps I am shallower than I thought,  _

_ or perhaps I enjoy all of you and have no shame in saying so. _


	20. Feel Better

* * *

 

_ Your mind is quite keen.  There, I feel better now, don’t you? _


	21. List

* * *

 

_ I hate that I don't have any ideas better than you,  _

_ I would rather think of you than them.   _

_ Perhaps I’ll think about other ideas tomorrow,  _

_ or perhaps I’ll add you to my list of ideas to think about at the end of my work day.  _

_  I would look forward to ending the day with you. _


	22. See

* * *

 

_ I see you, even when you don’t see me, even when you can’t see yourself. _

_  I especially see you then, I wish I could hate you more for that.  _

_  I wish I could see you more.   _


	23. Secret Library

* * *

 

_ How many notebooks would it take for me to get my fill of you?  _

_  One, two, three?  Could that ever be enough?  _

_  I could fill a secret library entirely devoted to you and no one would ever find it, _

_ and I hate that if they did, they would want to turn the pages.  _

_  You would be revealed and I would be revealed.   _

_ Together we would be bare.  _

_ It’s frightening but I wouldn’t mind being laid bare, with you.   _


	24. Travel Size

* * *

 

_ Do you know how freely I would give anything for you?   _

_ Except for my cardigans and my cats.  _

_  I’d like to keep those, but anything else, I’d freely give.   _

_ Maybe not my toothbrush either, but I would give you my spare.  _

_  I would give you the little things,  _

_ I believe you may have had enough of life’s bigger things.  _

_  P.S.  Sometimes I wander through the travel toiletries thinking of you. _

 


	25. Fly

 

* * *

 

_ I hate that I hate to fly.   _

_ If I could have reached the sky, I would have been at your side.   _

_ Instead, like Icarus, I am without wax and I only fall.   _

_ To have been a bird or a paper airplane full of ideas,  _

_ which is more to my taste, I could have been there when you needed me. _

_  But I couldn’t, so I didn’t and I wasn’t, I wish I could have. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--attempting to reference events in Skyfall just in case people were wondering....if not...carry on!


	26. Press the Button

* * *

 

_ There was absolutely nothing in the training manuals for this.   _

_ Waiting, waiting, waiting.  _

_  Watching every agent, but waiting for you.  _

_  Press the button, press the button, press the button.   _

_ I hate that you can’t hear me, I hate that I want you to hear me. _

_  Press the button, press the button.  _

_  Press the damn button. _


	27. Thought

* * *

_ I wish I hated you as much as I did at the beginning of this.   _

_ If it’s possible, I hate you more.   _

_ I wish I could bring you home, do you even like cats?   _

_ Just a thought. _


	28. Bubble Wrap

* * *

 

_ I wish I could satisfy myself with providing you nothing but complete safety,  _

_ but bubble wrap is very overkill.  _

_  But I would, if it would make you safe, _

_ I am human, after all.   _

_ I imagined in your distress,  _ _ as your fingers pressed the radio  _

_ to send the signal and wondering would I be there for you?   _

_ And the answer is yes, always yes. _


	29. Bond

A shadow passed over Bond and he closed the notebook slowly, before he looked up into the familiar green eyes of his unexpected, worst best friend ever, who was standing across from him.  “Alec,” he said, the world coming back into focus as he pulled his mind from the intimate words on the pages in front of him.  Words that were obviously never meant for him to read, or for anyone else to see either.  He studied Alec cautiously.  Alec maintained his casual stance of leaning against the other chair across from him, his jacket tucked against his side.  When he finally had Bond’s attention, he moved.  Bond moved as well, shifting backwards, he tucked the notebook back into his inner suit pocket.

“Jameska.  Something you’d like to share with the class?”  Alec asked, he stepped to the side, throwing himself down into the chair opposite of Bond and reached forward to help himself to James’s cooling cup of coffee.  He took a sip and settled back, claiming the cup.  

Bond sighed, knowing that Alec wasn’t going to leave anytime soon, but was going to try his best to make him leave.  “No, and it’s not unreasonable for you to get your own drink, instead of taking mine.”

“But where would be the fun in that?” Alec’s eyes smiled mischievously over the rim of the cup as he took another sip from it.

“I thought we were going to meet for dinner.”  James said, trying to distract Alec.

“You asked for dinner, but now I want coffee.  Now, tell Uncle Alec what is the matter.”

“Would you believe nothing?”

“I would believe something, yes, but not nothing, no.”  Alec said, twisting the cup around, “I have nothing to hide, you perhaps have something to hide.”

“How long were you in Russia again?  R was right, your English does deteriorate when you get bad ideas.”

“Bad ideas, bah.  I was in Russia long enough for you to have gone and gotten-,” Alec proceeded to tick off his fingers against his stolen coffee cup, “-the old MI-6 building blown up, a new Quartermishka, a new M and a fancy new, deadly secretary for the new M that failed to kill you.  I like her already.  At least you didn’t scare off Tanner.”

“You would like Moneypenny, and if nothing has scared Tanner to tuck tail and run, then I don’t think a large explosion and small staffing change up is going to move him,” snorted James.  He leaned forward suddenly and reached his own hand out and snapped his fingers.  Alec huffed a small sigh and handed Bond his cup back.

Alec studied James as he drank from it, just as James had studied Alec while he drank.  “I miss her too.  Oh, when she was angry, she was keen and shrewd! She was a vixen when she ruled MI-6.”

James smiled into his cup at Alec’s old joke, “And though she be but little, she was fierce.”

“I’ll drink to that,” said Alec.

They sat there for a few minutes in silence, passing the thick white mug back and forth between them.  Old friends reunited once more, no matter how much time and distance had separated them.  Some things were inevitable.  When they got to the bottom of the mug, Alec rose and went to get a refill, he came back with two mugs, followed by one of the cafe workers carrying a plate of scones.  She set it down, blushing as she made eye contact with James, who gave her a small smile and wink.  She stood up and turned a darker shade of pink as Alec thanked her in Russian.  

“You ever been in love Alec?” James asked, watching Alec for any clues from his face to go along with his answer.

His friend startled at the question and hesitated in picking up a scone from the plate.  Alec looked curiously at Bond before unpausing himself, grabbed the scone and sat back.  He nibbled on it for a moment as he nibbled the question that had been asked of him, in his mind.  “I don’t know, maybe.  It may have been so long ago, I’ve forgotten.   Well, I love scones,” Alec held his up, “even though they leave a mess of crumbs, sometimes love is messy.  I love vodka, the way it burns on the way down, that sometimes love does.  I love those weird little meringue biscuits that you leave in the oven overnight and when you wake up, they’re perfect. I might even love you, in that I do not wish to kill you as much as I do my enemies kind of love. There are many different kinds of love, to which do you refer?”

“The weird little meringue biscuit love.”   

“Ah.  Found Q’s notebook, have you?”

James stilled at Alec’s statement and slowly raised his eyes to meet Alec’s through the steam rising from his coffee mug, but Alec wasn’t paying any attention to him, he was too busy using his tongue and finger to pick up the bits of crumbs that had fallen onto his lap and coat.   _Messy love_ , James thought.  

“What?” Alec asked, without looking up, “You thought I would just waltz into MI-6 after being gone for so long and not check out the new digs, the new people.  Please, Jameska.  I thought you knew me better than that.”  

“How on earth did you connect Q with the-”

“Because, he is a weird little meringue biscuit, or maybe you are and that’s what he likes.  Perfection, the morning after.”  Alec laughed at his friend’s glare at the end of his statement.  “I got bored, Q had his coat hanging around Q-branch.  Silly creature thought a little secret pocket would go undiscovered.  MI-6 is full of spies, has no one told him this?”

“So, do you think we’re the only ones who have found this notebook?” James asked, he pulled the little red book up and out of his suit pocket to stare at it.  Alec raised an eyebrow as James turned it around and around in his hands and drew his fingers along the edges and binding.  Shabby, worn red cover, yellowed paper and smelling as if it had been stored in a wet box at the bottom of an antique shop, it held quite a few secrets.

“Even I wasn’t stupid enough to remove it from Q’s possession.  You don’t think he’ll notice that it’s not there anymore?”

James paused in the turning of the notebook, an answer and a question flitted across his face.

“I’m not sure if I mind if he’d notice it was gone.”

“You risk tormenting Mishka, for what reason?”

“Well, it is about me.”

Alec snorted and picked up his half eaten scone and threw it at James, “There are quite a few other agents lounging around MI-6.  This may not have anything to do with you.”

James caught and lazily threw the scone back at Alec, “Stop being a brat.  It references the Skyfall incident.  Of course it’s about me.”

“Could be about Silva.” Alec aimed for James’s head once more.

“Take that back!” James barked, grabbing the scone out of the air and slamming it back at Alec, who ducked and it went hurtling past him to hit a customer at the counter.  Like a horrid, B rated movie, the action within the small coffee shop paused.  Except for Alec, who was hunched over his cup, shaking with silent laughter.  He’d gone red in the face as everyone turned to stare at the ill-mannered scone thrower.

“Ahem,” James coughed and smoothed a hand down his tie, “I beg your pardon.  It slipped.”

Their audience returned back to their regularly scheduled, hum drum lives and conversation, as Alec rose from his chair to smooth the situation over, taking his faint Russian accent and using it like a heavy weapon to soothe and charm the victim of James’s drive by sconing.  “Lover’s spat,” James heard Alec say.  James inhaled slowly and lifted his gaze heavenwards and tried to decide whether he would stab Alec, or shoot him.  The gentleman Alec was trying to console peeked back over at James and then back over at Alec, “Better you than me, bud.  I find flowers or chocolate work for my lady when I’ve pissed her off.”  Alec smiled and thanked him for his suggestion before he purchased one of the chocolate bars from the counter and made his way back to James.

“Here special lady,” he said, “For when you give Q back his notebook and he decides to rig you to explode into a million pieces.  Perhaps this will cause him to pause enough for you to get away.”

“You know, you’re just a real supportive, ball of sunshine friend.”  James snatched the chocolate bar from him and saw that it was infused with Earl Grey Tea.  “Perfect actually.”

“I know.  I also know that you probably took that little all-tool thing from the same pocket.”

James looked guilty for a brief second.

“You’re a spy, not a magpie, James!”

“More like a grunion.  I’m attracted to shiny objects.”

Alec sat back down and kept his gaze on James.  “I have seen you hurt plenty of times.  Hurt others, hurt yourself, but I do not want to see the new Quartermishka hurt.  One hurt person at a time is all I can handle.  If he finds out you have his notebook, you will shame him if you do not return any of what he wrote in there.  It is better to have returned the notebook, then never to return that kind of feeling in his writing.”

“And if I am intrigued by this kind of writing?” James asked as he tilted the little notebook back and forth.

“Then you will still have a fight on your hands once he realizes that you have it.  Jameska, think carefully.  You can not keep that if you are saying _if_.”    

James considered the notebook, “You’re right.  I don’t know.  I never thought about it.”

“It’s powerful, isn’t it?”

“What is?”

Alec leaned forward to tap the notebook, he smiled as James tightened his grip on it, “Such a little thing to hold such feelings inside it, only meant for one person.”

James smiled at the description, “Sounds just like Q.”

“But you are not deserving of Q.  Give me the notebook.”  Alec held his hand out flat.

“What?  No!”

“Jameska, if you know what is good for you, and you never have, give me the notebook.”  Alec snapped his fingers.  “I’ll return it to his coat, he’ll never know you took it.”

“I hate you and no, I’m not giving it back.”

“Jameska.  I am not joking.”

“Well, neither am I.”

“You can figure out your style of writing without keeping Q’s.  Don’t make me fight you for it, I will set it on fire.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh wouldn’t I?”  Alec pulled out his lighter from his coat pocket.  “It’s either the notebook, or the notebook.  Which do you choose?”

James vibrated with indecision.  He knew that Alec would do either of those choices.  He would either get the notebook from wrestling James into submission for it or he would wrestle James into submission for it and then set it on fire.  

“You will also have to give back the all-purpose-tool, he will notice that is gone as well.”

“What makes you think he hasn’t noticed it’s gone already.”

Alec said nothing, he just snapped his fingers at James and pressed the lever, sparking the flint wheel.  James began to reach forward when his MI-6 issued mobile chimed.  He pulled his hand back to pull it out of his jacket and held the notebook and phone in the same hand.

“It’s from M.  Looks like I’m needed to go out again.” James stood as he said this and moved to put his phone and notebook back into his jacket pocket.  “I’ll have to take a raincheck on dinner.”

“You take that raincheck on dinner, I’ll take the notebook.”  Alec reached under James’s jacket and pulled the notebook out.  “We will both go in.  You to get the all-purpose-tool and see M, me to return this and the tool.”

James let out a sigh through his nose before he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the all-purpose-tool and slapped it at Alec.  “Spoilsport.  Don’t get caught.”

“Me!”  

“Yes, you.  You’re about as subtle as…”

“As a what!?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to say this, but a Russian snowstorm in the summer.”  James walked briskly out of the cafe to the sounds of Alec’s bearish laughter following him out the door.


	30. Dog Fights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOPS, life got in the way as it usually does.

     Before Alec could separate from James to find Q and replace what had been taken, James snagged his elbow and shoved him into a quiet corner past security.  He gave a slight jerk as he saw James dig around in his coat pocket before he heard a small click and something was pressed up against the flat of his shoulder blade.

“Jameska, what are you-” Alec was interrupted as he was pressed softly into the wall.

“Hold on, I need your back.”

“For what?” Alec craned his neck to see what James was doing.  He was scribbling something on a piece of paper.  “You are writing?”

 

 

“Shaddup.” James whispered out the corner of his mouth.

“To Q?”

“Shaddup.”

“You could have just written in his notebook.”

“Seriously, you go all mother hen on me about reading it in the first place and now you want me to WRITE in it?”  

“Well...it is convenient, no?”

“Jesus, and people say I’m crazy.  No, Alec, it’s not.”  James shoved his pen back in his pocket and folded up a receipt from Tesco that had been lurking in his own coat pocket from a few months ago and shoved it into the pocket Alec was hiding the notebook and all-purpose-tool.  “Just, put that in Q’s pocket along with it.”

“If you say so.”  Alec shook his head and shoved James away from him, “Go, go see M.  I’ll take care of the Mishka.”

“You do that and don’t let him hear you calling him that!?” James walked backwards away from Alec and grinned at him.

“Or what?” Alec asked, arms raised.

“He’ll never let you forget it.”

“This is true, but still, the risk Jameska, think of the risk!” Alec yelled out enthusiastically as he barely managed to stop himself from skipping away.  James’s rarely heard bark of laughter echoed down the hall after him as he quietly slipped into the cavernous depths of Q-branch.

     Bond didn’t nearly have a panic attack in the middle of M’s office as he realized what he had done.  If he fidgeted or showed impatience to be done with the small talk that M seemed keen on indulging in, he didn’t let it show, he was a professional, after all.  Spies did not fidget.   _Nor did they invade their superior officers who could leave them penniless and on the street with several warrants in several hostile countries and territories...privacy or leave evidence of such betrayal._ It could have been panic from realizing that he was about to start something that he was in no way prepared to start or end.  The Quartermaster, was still an unknown, no matter how loyal he seemed, nor how proficient at his job, small notebook of writing be damned.  The notebook wasn’t Q and Q might not be the notebook, reality was rarely as pleasant as your dreams.

As soon as Moneypenny came in to inform M that he had a phone conference with the PM in five minutes, he took that moment to exit and gave Moneypenny a quick wink and waltzed right out of her office.  He could hear her calling his name, but he purposefully ignored her because he HAD to get to Alec right now and stop him from putting the note alongside Q’s notebook.  He pressed the lift button and waited.  Eve would kill him later for ignoring her, he’d have to think of something nice or deadly to get her.  Perhaps Q would have suggestions, James smiled to himself; retrieve the note and ask Q out on the premise of soothing Moneypenny for his rudeness.  James slapped a hand over his face, first invasion of privacy to a genius who was just short of being a full fledged supervillain and now rudeness to M’s lethal secretary who could skewer him several ways from Sunday and not even blink.  Memo to self...keep Q and Moneypenny from taking over the world, he didn’t doubt they could do it, and if he couldn’t keep them from taking over the world, perhaps he and Alec could join them.

      Bond exited the lift once it hit the lower levels and hustled out, straight into Alec.  Perfect, maybe the world was finally giving him a break.  He immediately began to root around in Alec’s pockets and hands without a by-your-leave.  Alec just stood there and watched bemusedly as James danced around him, picking his pockets.  He began to frown as he felt James’s hands start to shake and become slightly frantic.

“Where is it?” James asked as he began a second pat down of Alec.

“What are you, a hoppy rabbit?  Quit pulling at me, what are you doing?”

James opened Alec’s hands and flipped them over and looked up his sleeves, before he moved up to ruffling his hands through Alec’s hair, “Where did you put it?”

Tired of the pawing, Alec grabbed James by his face and held him still so he could meet his eyes.  “In his coat like you said.”  He watched in alarm as James grew still and closed his eyes and brought his own hands up to grasp Alec’s face.  “I can not even imagine how silly we look right now,” Alec grumbled.  “What will the other double-ohs say to see us looking like we don’t know how to break necks.  Jameska, snap out of it.”

“Uh oh.” James whispered.

Alec released James’s face, to release his own face by prying Bond’s hands away.  He gave them a brief squeeze before he threw them down.  “Fuck, I know that look.  That’s that look that says nothing I say now will stop you.  No, no.  Do not give me the puppy dog eyes.  First you are a magpie-”

“Grunion,”

“- not a better choice, then you are a hoppy rabbit and now you have puppy dog eyes.  How is it you are even a spy.  You’re like a nature channel.”

“We need to get it back.”

“We!?”

“Yes we.”

Alec stepped away and brought his hands up to wave them negatively in front of him, his head followed.  “Do you know how long it took me to put it in there?  You think I don’t have anything better to do with my time than chase around a stroppy little Mishka and his baggy little coat?”

“Great with the two of us it will take half that time.  You were right, if he finds it, it will only piss him off.  I can’t believe I said that.”  James grabbed Alec’s lapel and yanked him back down the hallway back to Q-branch.

Alec grinned at the back of his friend’s head and leaned his weight back to let James slowly drag him along the hallway.  “That I was right?”

“Stop saying it out loud, someone will hear you.”  James grumped, looking back at Alec, who was still being uncooperative and was literally making James drag him back to Q.  

     By the time they got to the entrance of Q branch, Alec’s resistance had increased to the point where James had him in a headlock as Alec braced his feet against the wall to the side of the sliding doors cursing him in Russian and calling him both a “Donkey and a plow horse,” as James busied himself by struggling to enter in his entrance codes to open the doors, when they opened suddenly for him, revealing Q-branch and a handful of minions looking to escape, but their way was blocked by a set of senior Double-oh’s locked in what passed as combat in their eyes.  Alec began to laugh and put more effort into resisting James.  Like a flock of geese, the minions flapped their arms and let out sounds of alarm as James lost his footing and Alec’s pushing finally threw them backwards onto the ground, a bony Russian elbow found it’s way into his solar plexus and on instinct, James hooked a leg around Alec’s and pulled back tighter with his arm around Alec’s neck, cutting off his air supply.  What was once a playful struggle became real as both professional assassins long learned instincts came roaring to the front.   

      The minions who had tried to exit Q-branch became alarmed and while two of them called out to the agents trying to ask if they were all right, one of them had the smarts to call for backup, by screaming back into the depths of Q-branch for R or Q.  Another minion sidled up as close as she safely could and took a quick selfie on her phone.

“That will be quite enough,” came a voice, as soft and dry as the desert sands.  A quick and nimble set of fingers reached out and snagged the minions phone and began to delete the contents to the sound of a half hearted protest.  “R?”

“You got it boss,” chirped a very gleeful woman.

     James and Alec had a half a second to recognize both voices and the danger implied in the order to R, but they didn’t have time to right themselves before R dumped the entire contents of her ice-cold, 32 oz glass, organic, cage-free, pesticide free and GMO compliant water bottle on top of the squabbling double-oh’s.  A collective gasp rose from the herd of minions that had come to stand and watch.  

James yelled out in shock, “Hey!”

“He started it!” Alec pointed at Bond.

     Q stood impassively behind R, looking entirely bored with the situation and even dared to check his watch before looking behind him and ordering the minions back to work and the ones that had been trying to leave, he motioned them forward.  “On your way,” he reminded them.  

     R leaned forward, her empty water bottle now dangling from her left hand, her chainmail clinking, “I can’t say that I’m not pleased at the sudden wet t-shirt contest, but I do have a taser and I’m not afraid to use it if you’re not done with your display of male aggression.”  She waved her yellow and black taser in the air before extending her arm and pointing it at each of them in turn.  James and Alec looked down at the water on them and on the floor before glaring at each other and reluctantly raised their hands and stepped back.

Q was still watching the showdown, his eyes skimmed over both of the dripping agents and took a sip from his ever present scrabble mug.  “Are we quite finished?”

James’s lip gave a slight pull to the corner, lifting it in amusement, “Quite.”

“I am not finished,” Alec began in a belligerent tone, “Permission to kick his ass.”

“Denied,” said Q

“Let’s not abuse my greatest feature, Alec.”

Alec’s voice thundered out, reverberating throughout all of Q-branch, “I WILL ABUSE IT WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, WITHOUT Q’S PERMISSION!”

     R just grinned at them both before opening her mouth to say something, but was stopped by a hand on her elbow, she looked down and saw that Q had reached out to her.  He stared with some curiosity at Alec, never having heard him yell like that in close proximity and shook his head at R.  She silently nodded and took her leave silently and waved her arms to heard the minions back to their tasks.  

James on the other hand merely raised one eyebrow and said softly, “A little louder, Alec, for the people in the back that didn’t hear you.”

“Do we have a problem, gentlemen?  Do I need to make a call to security and M?” Q asked.

James and Alec glared at each other for a moment before Alec turned to Q and gave a small smile, “No, Quartermishka.”

“Quartermaster.” Q reminded him absently.

“Contrary to what it looked like, we were actually just horsing around.”

“Q-branch is NOT a play area, I don’t care what you double-oh’s think of the equipment we give you.  That’s what the rest of MI-6 is for.  006, you were already down here making a nuisance of yourself.  I expect you can see yourself out?”  Q looked between the two agents, “Apparently not.  Do you require a minion to show you the way out?”

“No.”

“He’s here by my request Q.”

“That’s reassuring, to say the least, 007.  006 just returned from a mission and isn’t scheduled to depart anytime soon, nor is he part of your upcoming mission.”

“I asked him to meet me here, but I got hung up in Mallory’s office longer than expected.  He was leaving to find me.”

“I found you.” Alec grumbled.

     R came back over with a tablet and laptop bag in her hands.  She was still laughing internally as the agents tried to defend themselves to Q.  Her water bottle was also present and refilled.  She poked Q in the ribs with the tablet, slid it under his arm and slung the strap to the laptop case over Q’s head, before stepping back to threaten Alec backwards with her bottle.  James heard them bickering quietly behind them before R and Alec stepped around them to enter Q-branch.  “007, I have a meeting with M, so I am not able to stay and baby- Q’s voice cut off as 007’s hands came out to smooth down his collar and tug at his cardigan and the strap of the bag that R had carelessly tossed over him.  007 also surprised him by taking the tablet from under his arm and tucking it into the laptop bag before snagging his cup out of his hands, it took a second for him to find his voice again after so gentle a handling, “-sit you.  R will handle your equipment.  Needs.” Q paused again as his breath left him as 007’s eyes smiled down at him, the lines gathering at either ends of his very blue eyes.  Q felt a flush start at his neck and begin to creep up, he remained steady though and waited, just...waited.  He wasn’t disappointed.

“I prefer you to handle...my equipment, anticipate my needs.” 007 said softly, stepping closer.

Q refrained from rolling his eyes, but it was a close thing, “You know what I mean and you know how competent R is.”

“Hmm, but she’s not you.”  007 leaned in briefly, before he stepped towards Q-branch, brushing slightly against Q’s shoulder in passing.

Q sighed and muttered as he moved forward to exit, “I should put up a no loitering sign.”

“You love it when we loiter.”  007 called after him.  He didn’t hear Q’s answer as he stalked towards the lift, shoulders pinched up as if to ward off a blow.  James gave Q a small goodbye wave as the lift doors closed on him, Q gave his head a small shake and James saw what might have been a small smile before he dashed into Q-branch in search of Q’s coat as Alec proceeded to distract R.  


	31. Pizza, Interrupted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops life got in the way! *flings out an update into the wind*

Midnight found James and Alec in the middle of a very serious argument regarding which pizza toppings to get.  James leaped up, trying to snag the landline out of Alec’s hand as he held it over his head.  His bare feet making thumping sounds on the hardwood floor.  The rules of the game were that he who had the landline, got first dibs on pizza toppings.

“We are NOT getting pineapple and ham again.  Ever.”  Alec said, standing on his tiptoes, making it even harder for the shorter man to get the phone.  James continued to jump up at him.  He wasn’t allowed to use the furniture to climb on, that was cheating.

“Alec, come on, when else do we get to try new things!?”

“In bed, where they belong.  We’re getting pepperoni with anchovy.”

“No.  No fish on the pizza again.  Especially with pepperoni.  God dammit Alec, give me the phone.”

“No.” 

“It’s my apartment!”

“It’s going to be half my pizza!”

“Then we’ll get two!”

“You can not eat a whole pizza by yourself.  Fine.  Chicken.”

“I...don’t...want...Alec...give…me….the...phone!”  James yelled as he jumped in between his words.  He managed to hook an arm around Alec’s elbow and pulled it down to the sound of Alec giggling before he switched hands.  “Fuck.”  James gave Alec a kick to the ankle which only set the Russian bear to howling with laughter.  At the sound of James and Alec’s MI-6 issued mobiles chiming in unison, they silenced their silly game to check their incoming message. 

 It was from Moneypenny.   _ -Sending a car.  Emergency.- _

Alec’s eyebrows danced to life as he looked to James, they had received the same message.  “Looks like that pizza’s going to have to wait.”

“Wonder what the emergency is.”

“Well, I didn’t hear any explosions, so MI-6 must still be intact.”

“Come on, let’s go.”

Grumbling about empty stomachs and bad spy work, Alec and James both checked their shoulder holsters.  They jammed their feet into their shoes and slung their coats back on.  Alec’s head was bare, his breath fogging the air in front of him as they hit the door to the entrance of James’s apartment building, stepping out into the street.  James twisted a scarf around his neck and covered his ears with it as they waited for their ride from MI-6.  A black town car pulled up, Moneypenny was in the driver’s side.

“Shit.”  James muttered, he had ridden with Moneypenny before, the memories weren’t all fond.

“Thought you were sending a car, not yourself.”

“Hello boys.”

“You’re not going to shoot us are you?” Alec asked, “Last time Jameska got into a car with you that’s what happened to him.”

“Hahaha.  I might, but then I might only shoot you, just to even out the score.”

“What’s the emergency?” James asked, trying to get them back to the business at hand.

“An asset’s been kidnapped.”

Alec sighed, “I told you 003 would lose his asset, didn’t I.”

“It’s not 003’s asset, he’s bringing him in just fine.  I’ll tell him you expressed your utmost regards for his ability to do his job.  He’ll be flattered.”

“Moneypenny.” James drawled out.  

“Sorry 007.  It’s Q.”  Her eyes flicked into the rearview mirror as her statement was met with silence.  A small line appeared between her eyes as the strangest silent conversation happened between the two agents in the back.  “Care to share gentlemen?”  She met 007’s ice blue gaze in the mirror, his moods always mercurial, were downright murderous as he held her gaze captive until she had to pay attention to the road.  She heard Alec murmuring softly to James and James replying in the same soft tones.  Another flick up into the rearview mirror and they were nearly touching foreheads as they conversed.  She repeated herself.  “Care to share?”

“No.” James said, his gaze not even the least bit less murderous.  “Take us to headquarters now.  Give us the when, where, how and who about Q’s kidnap.  

“We’re not supposed to have routines.  You know that, I know that, even Q knows that.  Alternate routes to and from work and slight time shifts.  If it’s late, take a car.”

“Yes, Moneypenny, we know that so what?”

“Looks like Q had a routine, and he’s stubborn as hell.”  Stunned silence met her statement.  “It took M awhile to figure out that he himself was part accomplice to it.”  Again silence.

“I beg your pardon?” James asked softly.

“If Q was on for 72 hours straight, M would force him to leave, no naps in his office, he’d kick him out of the building, no matter what the time was.  Sometimes Q would take a company car home and sometimes he wouldn’t, if he was in a particular snit about being kicked out of his branch.  Someone was monitoring him, knew when he left and knew he didn’t take a car this time.  He was on foot.”

“Jesus.” Alec muttered and glanced quickly at James. 

“Half dead on his feet probably and on foot.” James sighed and rubbed his hands up and down his face.  “What does M want us to do?”

“You and Alec are the only 00’s in the immediate vicinity that aren’t recuperating in medical or too far out.  You’re to recover the asset within the regulated time limits.”

“I’m not abandoning Q!”  James snarled.

Moneypenny glanced back up to the rearview mirror.  “You know the rules of the game James.  R’s holding down the fort for now.  She’s got minimal staff at Q-branch right now, but she’s recalled the rest of the staff.”

“She’ll find him.  R’s clever.” Alec said into the silence of the space that followed Moneypenny’s statement.  

* * *

“We’re missing Boulie.” R snapped out by way of greeting to the two double-ohs that Moneypenny escorted into Q-branch at oh-ass early in the morning.  James stepped up beside R.  She had added black diagonal smears across her face, she was in her war frame of mind and hyper focused on the banks of monitors in front of her.

Alec leaned over to James, “It looks like someone carved a pumpkin.”  Alec snapped his mouth shut as R’s vicious gaze landed on him.

“Little shit.” R cursed softly under her breath.  She pointed to the screen where there was an obvious blip in the CCTV footage during the time that Q would have been snatched.  James and Alec both perked up at the blip.  R continued her rant, “Buggering fool tried to loop the CCTV feed, but he’s just a hack intern.  He wasn’t supposed to be here, but Sally, our regular night intern took sick so he offered to cover for her.  Something tells us we’ll find that Sally isn’t sick from regular methods.  I’m suggesting we send someone from medical and a field agent to check on her.  He took his break the same time M booted Q out.  Followed him and…” R snapped her fingers.  “Led whoever it was that wanted Q, straight to him.  Bingo, bango, bongo.  Schmitt.  Dig into his files, his records, his bank accounts, his phone, everything.  I’m going to put a noose around him.”

“Got it boss.”

“I’m not your boss,” R snapped, “Q is.  Don’t forget that, he’s not lost to us yet.”

“Got it, temporary boss.”

R nodded, satisfied.  “Vanessa, fix the CCTV footage until we can see-”

“Temporary Boss!”  Schmitt yelled, “I got some bank action.”  Schmitt let out a low whistle.  “Idiot just had a wad of money dropped into his account 3 hours ago.”

R sneered at the amount, “For fuck’s sake, Q’s worth more than that.  Stupid intern.”  She turned to glare at everyone in Q-branch.  “I hope you all remember that next time someone tries to buy you off.”

James, Alec and Moneypenny turned as the doors to Q-branch opened again, this time M and his Chief of Staff, Tanner entered, striding briskly through the Q-branch staff who jumped out of their way.  

“What’ve you got?” M asked.  He gave a small nod to both James and Alec before focusing on R, he took in her unique makeup effect, his gaze sliding past her face briefly to touch both of the double-ohs, as if they would sympathize with him.  She repeated what she discovered and M stared at the monitors for a few moments.

“007, I’m afraid we need you at home rather than in the middle of Rwanda just now.”

James gave a short nod, glad for once that he doesn’t have to argue about his mission with M.  

“Temporary Boss!”  A female tech that James didn’t know personally was waving her hand in the air, trying to get R’s attention.

“Whatcha got Vanessa?”

“Vehicle make, model, license plate, footage of people tasering Q and then shoving him into the vehicle and unlucky intern Boulie shaking hands with one of them before leaving the scene.”

R turned to look at M.  

“006, I wonder if you wouldn’t mind bringing Mr. Boulie in for us?” M turned to Alec.

A slow smile spread across Alec’s face, “With pleasure M, with pleasure.”  

“Go see Charlie, Alec, he’ll check out your equipment to you.” R said, pointing to a short and enthusiastic tech waving his arms frantically over his head.  Alec spun on his heel, making a beeline for the tech.

“Good hunting, Alec.”  James called to his back.

“Good hunting, Jameska.”  Alec threw over his shoulder.

James settled behind R’s shoulder, his attention turned back to the monitors as R continued her search for Q.  She had his leash in her hands now, she turned once more to look at him and he gave her his most vicious smile, void of any mercy.  Her lips curled up on one side, barring a sharp canine.  Where Q was the calm voice of reason and would take his revenge softly and quietly in the night, R was his direct opposite.  Q’s kidnappers would know her wrath the minute she found Q and slipped the leash from James’s collar and let him have at his job.


	32. Rat, Cat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whew* pushed out another update.

“Oh.  Ow.  Ow, ow, ow.  What the hell?” Q opened his eyes to complete darkness, no stars, no ambient light, nothing to define any shape to him or to his surroundings.  He remained as he was at first, curled in a small ball as he began to take stock of himself and his surroundings.  He’d be lying if he didn’t say he panicked only slightly at first.  For God’s sake, he was only human.

_ It’s dark.  I can’t see!  Hands where are my hands?  There they are, can they move? Can I move?  Yes.  Where are they?  I can’t see them!  Panic!  No, calm down.  Am I blind?  Where are my glasses? I can’t see!  There they are, still in place.  Move hands, move!  I feel them. _

_ I can’t see!  It’s completely dark or I’m completely blind.  Am I bound?  Am I buried!? Am I suspended above a tank full of ill-tempered sea bass with laser beams?   Where am I?  Feel around.   There’s a floor.  No sea bass.  No water.  Sit up.  Sit up.  Sit up!  No, I’m good.  I can move.  Take stock.  Move your bloomin’ arse Dover!  Concrete floor.  Metal wall by the sound of the taps.  Small room, I can hear the echoes.  Hands up, feel around.  When I find out who did this, they’ll never be able to dig out from the seven levels of hell I’m going to put them in. _

With some hesitancy, Q began to feel around blindly in whatever place he had been put in.  He didn’t go very far.  He found a corner and pulled himself into it to take a break, he hurt, there were quite a few bumps and bruises that he knew he hadn’t willingly put there.  Whoever handled him hadn’t spared him any gentleness.  He was even more grateful that his glasses had only been on a bit crooked rather than completely cracked or missing.  He rubbed his hand across his chest, he had taken the taser right where his anorak gaped open in the front.  He had stormed out of MI-6 without bothering to fasten it all the way.  He pulled it closer around him, at least he had remembered to put it on.  He felt around in his pockets searching, but came up empty.  His mobile, keys, wallet, emergency torch and mini-tool kit were gone.  “Damn.” He dropped his hands and thunked his head back against his corner.

“Oh!  There’s a good lad,” he mumbled to himself.  He felt around again until he came across the hidden pocket under his arm inside his coat.  “Ah ha ha ha.  I can be sneaky too,” he muttered softly.  He frowned as he felt something that shouldn’t have been in there along with his notebook and credit card sized all-purpose-tool.  Curious, he pulled the crinkly wad of paper out, just as the lights came on to wherever he was.  He let out a yelp, followed by a few softly uttered curse words as he covered his now blind eyes with his hands.  “Morons,” he said.  “Complete morons.  Worst kidnapping ever.”

“Come now, surely we rate somewhere in the top 10.”  A gentle laughing voice said, not one that Q recognized.

Q turned his head towards the new voice.  All he could see were brown leather workman boots, generic, size 9.  Small feet for a man.  Do as you were taught.  Lie your way out of this, waste time, wait for help and at the first opportunity, escape.  “Bottom 20, more like it.  Did my wife put you up to this?”

“Your wife?”

“Yes.  That cow wants my life insurance policy.”  Q said, huffing out an annoyed sound.  

“We didn’t realize that you were married...Quartermaster.”

“What?” Q asked, sounding confused.  No one should have known he was the Quartermaster, even if they had his mobile and wallet, there was nothing to indicate he was anything other than Elliot Johnston, one of the many IT help desk employees.

“We didn’t realize…”

“Yes, yes, yes.  I heard that, but what’s that last thing you said.”

“Quarter...master.”  The man drawled it out softly, catching each and every syllable.  

“You’re looking for the Quartermaster?”  Q lifted his hands slightly, trying to gently let the light in bit by bit so he wouldn’t completely burn his retinas out.  

“Not anymore.  We found you.”

“Not hardly, mate.  What you found was an IT help desk specialist.  All I do is ask people if they’ve tried turning it off and on again all day long before going home to the missus, who I won’t be going home to now that she put you up to this mess-”

“I have assurances that you are the Quartermaster...of MI-6.”

“MI-bloody 6.  Right. Pull the other one.  My name is Elliot Johnston.  IT help desk specialist.  My I.D. is in my wallet.  It’ll prove…”

“It proves nothing...Q.”

“I am not the Quartermaster.  I am Elliot…”

“That is just your cover.  Please, try to keep up.  We’ve already identified you by one of your former colleagues, so stop playing stupid and get up.  Sit in the chair.”  The man slapped the seat of a chair that was bolted to the floor.

Q peeked out through eyes that were watering less.  “No.”

“Sit.  In.  The.  God.  Damned.  Chair.”  Small feet for a man bit out again, his boots shifting to stand between the chair and the door.

“Make me.”

“With pleasure.”  Small Feet made the second mistake of many that night.  He turned his back on what he saw as a small, snivelling weak individual.  He couldn’t have been more wrong.  

A nasty, sharp toothed grin took shape slowly across Q’s face.  As Small Feet reached the doorknob, twisting it to pull it open, Q was up in a flash.  He wadded the extra piece of paper in his fist and flew at his kidnapper, the man turned with wide brown eyes at Q’s sudden motion. 

All Small Feet saw for a brief, terrifying instant, was Q’s face as it was suddenly in his own face.  He missed seeing Q’s hand lash out to snatch the doorknob away from him.  One quick yank on the doorknob and a hard shove with Q’s fist and that’s all it took to hear the snap of a nose breaking against the edge of the metal door.  Small Feet’s eyes immediately watered, and as he bent to grab at his nose with his hands, Q used his momentum and pushed him forward, slamming the door several times against his skull.  Small Feet slumped to the floor in a battered and bloody pile.  Q rifled through his pockets quickly and pulled a Sig Sauer P938 out of it’s belt holster and checked it. 

 “Idiot.” Q muttered.  He peeked out of the door as he pushed the pile of human back into the room.  No cameras that he could see, everything was quiet.  He shut the door and flattened himself against the wall, he scooted along until he came to another hall.  “Left or right?  Fuck.  I swear if the villain’s name is Jigsaw, I’m going to bury him in bureaucratic red tape and paper and no fly lists, he’ll never be able to put a puzzle together again.  Ever.”  Q jerked to a halt as a bodiless, laughing voice came out of what must be hidden speakers in the building and began to sing.

“‘Twas brillig and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe.  All mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe.  Lose something?”

Q remained silent.  _  A Cheshire cat? _

“Oh by the way.  If you’d really like to know, he went that way.  Left.”

“Who did?” Q asked hesitantly, curious now.

“The white rabbit.”

“What white rabbit.”

“The really pretty one.  With pretty blue eyes.  He seemed quite upset.  Mad even.”

Q looked down at his fist, holding the crumpled paper.   _ “What white rabbit...with...blue eyes,” _ he thought to himself, his own eyes widening as he realized and breathed out softly “007.”

“Although at this point, he’s more like a white lab...rat.”

“If you harm one hair…” Q began to threaten the laughing voice from above.

“Oh we can’t help that, you may have noticed.  We’re all mad here.”

“I will shoot you.”

“We have better plans for ourselves than that.  Come along Q, there’s a...what did he call you? A clever boy.”

Q froze at the reminder, his brain grinding to a stop.  No!

“He was the rat, but I...am the cat.”

Q still stood frozen where he stood.

“Come, come.  Where’s the fun in that.  Surely, the mighty Quartermaster of MI-6, such intelligence, such innovation, such...vigorous youth, isn’t afraid?”

“Who are you?”

“Come with me and you’ll be...in a world of pure imagination.”

“I highly doubt you’re Willy Wonka and if you are, I’ll drown myself in the chocolate river and let the Oompa-Loompas dance on my grave.”  Q sneered, he shifted himself around nervously, his brain ticking away at all the options to escape.  He became distracted again by the crinkly paper in his hands.  He looked down and smoothed it out, the voice began to tease and cajole him into moving forward.  His lips compressed into a thin pale line after glancing briefly at the scrawl and his fist shook as he crumpled the receipt up again, jamming it back into his pocket.   _ “Damn him.” _

“You would think a fine scientific mind would be curious to see what we’re doing with our new lab rat.  He’ll be disappointed if you don’t come down to watch.  We’ve promised him that.  You won’t make us break our promise will you?”

Q couldn’t leave James, if it was indeed James that the Cheshire Cat held.  “I’ll need proof if you want me to move an inch in any direction you think you want me to go in.  I’d rather stand here and die than blindly follow your orders.”

“Say something clever...Mr. Bond.”  Silence followed the Cheshire Cat’s order.  “Either say something or we’ll kill you and have at him.  MI-6 will not get either of you back in one piece.”  Silence again, before Q heard a slight crackle and a very sullen “Something clever.”

Q let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Left, if you please.  Q.”

Q paused, he knew he wasn’t supposed to sacrifice himself for one of his agents, they would hate him for it, but he would hate himself more if he left one in a hostile environment.  Of course THEY were trained for this sort of thing.   _ “So were you!” _  His mind screamed at him.  He heard a quick scrabble sound come from the speakers before James’s voice was coming on again.  “Don’t!  Get out!”  James was cut off on a grunt, the hallway silent.

“Tick tock, Q.  Time grows short.”

A turn to the left would lead him to James, to the right...dammit.  Q squared his shoulders and marched off to the left.  “Curiouser and curiouser,” he muttered to himself.


	33. The James-James Conundrum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY TWO THINGS HAPPENED FOR THIS TO HAPPEN  
> 1\. i found the WORST ANGSTY prompt and decided I must use some of it. I couldn't bring myself to use the whole of it. I'm not that strong of a writer.  
> 2\. 10MOONY had like a challenge of using James as Q's name. i told them i would do it. i thought it might be too much but i don't care. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Two rooms.  There were two rooms. Q edged through the open door and could see 007 through the one way glass opposite the open door.  007 was a bit worn around the edges, his bespoke suit had scuffs along the knees and elbows, his hair was standing at different angles from his head.  He was currently staring at a monitor that was facing away from Q, but looked up the moment Q edged further into the room.  He gave a small smile and pointed at the monitor.  Q took that to mean 007 could see him through it.  Q scanned the glass and approached it, pressed his nose and weaponless hand against it.   He looked around thinking to break the glass, he tapped on it trying to get 007’s attention.  “We’ve got a Cheshire Cat on our hands 007.”

“A what?”

“I don’t know, someone claims to be the cat to Silva’s rat.  He called me clever boy and quoted from-”

“Alice in Wonderland.  Yeah, he did that with me too.  I got the whole ‘can you stand on your head’ spiel."  007 rolled his eyes, “where do they find these people.  I miss a good old fashioned villain.”

“Mmm, yes.  Although, it’s been forever since we’ve had a proper villain with a cat.”

“So now we have a cat for a villain.  How charming.”

Q raised the Sig that he was still clutching and opened his mouth to order 007 to step back, but he was interrupted by the Cheshire cat again.  

“Ah ah ah, little clever boy.” The Cheshire Cat said.

Q was beginning to get annoyed.  “Stop calling me that.  I don’t know you and you certainly don’t know me.”  

“But of course  I do...James.”

Both Q and 007 turned to face the speakers in their rooms.  “I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced.”  007 said, his eyes scanning the room slowly, trying to suss out every nook and cranny.  He was tempted to leave the monitor, but if he did then he would lose sight of Q.  However, Q was on the other side of the glass so he risked it.  As the voice chuckled, he edged away from his monitor, losing sight of Q momentarily until he got to the one way glass.  He placed his hand on the mirror where he had last seen Q’s.

“Oh no, I don’t mean you.  I mean James.”

“I am James.”  007 still flicked his eyes around the room before he glanced briefly at the mirror to mouth, “He must be crazier than we thought Q.”

“Ah ah ah.  This is rich.  You mean he doesn’t know your real name!”

“No one does,” 007 said.

The Cheshire Cat began to sing, “Oh well then, I know something you don’t know, I know something you don’t know.”

“Shut up.” Q growled.

“My what a feisty young man you’ve grown up to be...James.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“I know you, I know what you’ll do, you’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream."

007 stared at the mirror, where he thought Q’s eye height must be.  “Well that just got creepy.”  

“Tell me about it.”  Q said, moving about, exploring the glass and then turned to exit the room, but he was cut off by the door shutting by itself.  He rushed to the door, but it was locked.

“I locked the door...James.” The Cheshire Cat said helpfully.

007 stood where he was, his eyes never leaving the mirror.  He couldn’t see Q if he couldn’t see the monitor.  He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see Q.  “Old boyfriends I should know about?"

“Only a handful,” Q drawled out, he finished examining the door, “none remarkable enough to mention.”

“Q.”  James drawled the one letter out, Q smiled at the length he was able to get off of it.

“Now that hurts...James.  I would have thought you’d remember me.  I remember you.”

“Stop calling me that.”  

“But it’s who you are.”

“I’m…”

“Yes…”

“Don’t.” 007 said with a warning in his tone, he was trying to look sternly into the mirror, but it lost it’s effect when he was glaring at Q’s hair.

“Lying won’t fix this.  I’m the Quartermaster, not James.”

“I remember you before you were the mighty, clever little Quartermaster.”

“You could be lying.”

“He has size issues.”  007 spoke into their conversation, but he was ignored by both.

“I could, i most certainly could,  but I think not.  You, James i’ve known longer.  Other James, we’ve only just met.  One of you will have to bear witness.

“To what?”  Q asked.

“I’m going to destroy you.  Or him.  It doesn’t matter, I think it’ll destroy both of you anyways, so it’s a win win situation for me.  You pick.”

“Him.  He lives.  Let him go.”

“007, I object.” Q spoke up, he looked confused at 007’s quick surrender.

“I’m expendable.  You’re not.”

“I hardly think so.  Do you know how much funding MI-6 has put into your training, salary and upkeep?  Not to mention how much they’ve spent on rebuilding all the buildings you’ve destroyed and cars and guns and Q-branch equipment.  Although come think about it, we would save a fortune on insurance alone.”

“Great Q, thanks.”

“But I found this.”  007 couldn’t see what he was holding.  “Go on, look in the monitor.”  Q held up his fist, only when 007 was in front of the monitor, did he open his hand.  In it was a small wad of paper.  007 swallowed.

“I don’t know what i’m angrier about.  The fact that you went through my pockets or the fact that this was how you chose…” Q was interrupted by the Cheshire Cat, oh how he wished he could shoot someone.

“I don’t know what I’m angrier about, the fact that you two are ignoring me and having an argument, or that you’re ignoring me.  I vote ignoring me.”

“Shut it.” 007 growled.

“Besides, I’m persona non grata, now that there’s someone who knows who I am.  You?  You’ve always been the public face of MI-6.  That’s your specialty.  People know they’re in for it the moment they hear your name.  See your face.  Me, i’m supposed to stay in the shadows, hidden.  Not out in the bright lights, not like this.”

“I always thought I excelled at hiding witnesses.”

The Cheshire Cat had to interrupt them once again.  “I CAN hear you two.  You realize that don’t you.”

“If he hasn’t killed us now, I don’t think he’s going to do it.”  Q mumbled, unfortunately sensitive ears heard him.  

“Will I, won't I?”

“God dammit Q!”  007 ran to the glass.

“Shit.”  Q whispered.

“NO.  NO.  Q!”  007 ran up and down, trying to see in.

"Would not, could not join the dance."  The Cheshire Cat sighed.  "You tried my patience, I made your choice."

Water began to seep into the room Q was in.  He looked around...no drain.  The door was secured, no water going under it.  “Who builds a room without proper drainage,” Q muttered.  He was making a splashing sound as he walked.  He looked up, 007’s face was pressed to the glass, his hands covering the edges of his face as he tried to peek in.  Q rolled his eyes.  “You have to look in the monitor to see this.”

007 let out a sigh as he realized Q was still alive at this point.  He ran over to view the screen of his monitor.  “Shit.  Hang on Q.”

“Didn’t realize I had other options.”

“Does he plan on drowning you?”

“Why yes, double oh obvious, I think he does.”

“Don’t get snippy with me, we need to get you out of there.”

“Glad there’s still a we.”  

James pressed along the glass before he tried to hit it.  But it wouldn’t break.  “Shatter proof?  It’s also quite thick. Q, the gun, try the gun.”  James ran back to the monitor to watch Q haul back and try to scratch the glass with the butt of the Sig before trying to hit it.  

“Damn, nothing. Hold on.”

“Q no, the rico-”  007 yelled at the monitor even as he heard a muffled pop of the bullet hitting the glass and his eyes caught the sight of Q jerking to the side as he took the ricocheted bullet to his side.  

“Ow!  Damn.  Oh God.”  Q pressed his hand to his side.  “That fucking hurts.  Is it supposed to hurt like that?”  He held up his hand.  Blood.

“Why do you never listen!”  007 yelled at him through the glass.

“ME!?  You!”  Q squawked, “Of all the…”

“Bind it Q, take your coat off and stop the bleeding, come on.  There’s a…”

The Cheshire cat interrupted with a drawled out, “Clever boy.”

“STOP SAYING THAT.”  Q pressed the Sig against the side of his head.  Both hands pressing, trying to contain him.

“Well, I will now.  Since you’re not.  And now that you’ve more than accomplished my task for me, I can just sit back and enjoy the show.  Who knew it would be this easy to kill the Quartermaster of MI-6.  Why, I”m almost quite bored.”

“Stuff it you poncy little peacock prick.”  Q grumbled he jammed the gun in one of the large coat pockets.  He shrugged out of his coat, trying to hold it out of the water to take off his cardigan at the same time so he could wrap around himself.  “There better not be sharks added to the mix soon,” he muttered under his breath.  

“Come on Q, hurry up!”  007 urged from his side of the glass.  Q staggered back half a step.  007 couldn’t be sure if it was from blood loss or the lanky Quartermaster’s natural ungraceful motions.

“You hurry it up.  I’m the one bleeding here and there you are, just standing there, when you should be getting us out of here.  Put your back into it.”

007’s face did something that was a combination of annoyance and delight at Q’s snark.  “You got it boss.”


	34. YOU HAD THAT?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops update finally, sorry i got distracted by life, will finish soon! no beta, i'm on travel.

Through the two way glass, Q watched as 007 examined the window, his fingers tucking and searching along the edges before he started digging around in his pockets, Q cracked a smile, “What items from Q-branch have you hidden on yourself this time?”

“Oh, just the latest from Q-branch, no exploding pens though. That would have come in handy right about now, but beggars can’t be choosers in these moments.”

Q sighed, “No, I suppose not. Water’s getting deeper, but you knew that I suppose.”

007 glanced up into the glass, “It happens.”

“Is my talking foiling your escape plans?” Q asked jokingly.

007 shook his head, “No, turns out they took everything off of me. Hold on, Q.”

“Holding, 007.”

A brief smile flitted across 007’s face.

“I thought you were going to be a challenge, James. I have no idea why I was obsessed with you.”

Q ignored the voice, “I don’t even remember him.”

“Q!” James said, another note of warning in his voice.

“What? I’m going to be drowned or bleed to death or some sort of combination of either and I’m supposed to not make the bodiless voice angry? Really, that’s silly, 007.”

“Who else would know your real name.”

“My mum. Is it my mum? Do you think it could be my mum? Are you my mum?” Q asked to the ceiling, his face cracked into a grin. “No, but seriously, is it my mum.”

007 frowned at the glass, he could hear Q laughing at his own joke. “Stop it.”

“No.”

“You really should listen to your agent...James, James...how cute.” The Cheshire Cat’s voice drawled out, annoyingly so. “If…”

Q interrupted their captor, “Shut up...mum. What makes you so all important that you drag us down here and what is this, perform some stupid high stakes death scenario? This isn’t the movies, people will die, I’ll die, most likely and if that happens, you can be sure that other James and MI6 will find you. There’s not a place you can hide. So again, if you have nothing constructive to add to our situation, or demands, shut up.”

007 was standing right in front of him, peering through the glass, he had run up when Q had started to antagonize the Cheshire Cat. He tapped on the glass, trying to get Q’s attention.

“You should listen to your agent.”

“No.” Q unfolded himself from the table, the water splashing against his legs. He crossed his arms around his mid-section and bent over. Please let this work, he whispered to himself. He slid his hands back to the front of his belt and pressed his fingers a the buckle. “Do you have demands? What is your purpose.”

“To kill you. To kill James and James. He’s a bonus, but with the two of you out of the way, MI6 won’t stand for long. The coder and the killer, you’re known for that James, James. That embassy work was brutal and brilliant. It’s a shame, if you had cooperated earlier, I could have tried to convince you to switch sides, it would have worked. I would have been a God in the eyes of...well, let’s just say it would have elevated me. Ah, but it’s too late now. You would only agree to…”

“Blah, blah, blah.” Q said, “Villain speech, villain speech, typical. People get a cat and they think they can take over the world. Junior level wannabe villain in an organization with an established top dog. Boring.”

“Q, stop that.” 007 said, pounding on the glass again.

“You keep saying you know me, how?”

“I was familiar with you during your university years, such a doll. Just a tiny thing, a scrap of humanity, a newborn colt really. I had hopes for you, such a brilliant mind, such a mind. We could have been something together. You could have been here, instead of there. With me.”

Q studied the ceiling, “007. There is something familiar. I can’t quite place it, university.” He looked into the glass, where 007 was still frowning through it. “Stop that or your face will gain even more wrinkles and Q-branch can’t fix that.”  
“What about your time at university? Boyfriends, classmates, hackermates. You get into trouble?”

Q laughed at 007’s question. “Trouble. 007, how do you think anyone gets into MI6? You have to appear on their radar. You did and so did I. We will again.”

007 stopped frowning at the end of Q’s speech. “Will we?”

The Cheshire Cat interrupted, “Will you, won’t you. You could have joined the dance, James.”

Q snapped his fingers, “Lewis! Professor Lewis! That’s who it is! Oh God, he was this really creepy older…”

“Q!” 007 barked out, trying to keep Q’s tongue leashed.

“He kept quoting tirelessly from Alice in Wonderland. Sometimes I wondered if that was the ONLY book he had ever read, he even had a cat he did name The Cheshire Cat, with the actual THE. He was one of the Comp Sci professors, a minor one at that. He knew less than I did and I was only 17.” Q threw back his head and laughed.

“The students loved me.”

Q snorted, “Hardly.”

“You loved me. I could see it. The way you looked at me. I was hoping to bring you over to...where I am now. We would have made a brilliant team.”

“Ew,” Q said, looking back up at the ceiling, “although how you ended up here in charge of something incredibly daft and stupid, I have no idea. I have no plans to join you and I certainly never loved you, nor did I particularly like you. Everything you ever went through in class, I already knew and now I know who you are. Big mistake.”

007 and Q straightened up as one, they heard a distant rumble. Q looked down and saw the water that was up around his thighs, ripple, again and again. He smiled into the glass at 007, who was looking anxiously around the room. He abandoned the glass and ran down to the monitor.

Q tapped the solid metal square of his belt, “Latest thing from Q-branch. It’s called a radio.”

007 grinned widely, “Genius.”

“I tried. I think, Professor Lewis is properly distracted now, hold on. Stay where you are.” Q waded over to the glass, and this time when he put his hands around his waist, and removed his belt.

007 watched the monitor as Q fumbled with his belt. He pulled it out of his belt loops and when he had it looped in front of him, he peeled a the back off, rolled it in his hand until it became a gummy black substance that he made an X on the glass with it. Catching on, 007 moved to the far corner of the room as Q waded further back himself. Q hit the square of his belt buckle again, this time pressing a different place, and the glass exploded into 007’s cell, in a blast of smoke, a little flame and shards of two way glass.

007 ran forward through the mess, to get to the Quartermaster, “Q, Q!” The glass was hot, sharp, he was about to jump through it, when Q hove into view coughing.

“I’m alright, I’m alright. Just get me out of this mess.”

“You had that all along, and the radio!? 007 said, incredulous and pissed off all at the same time.

“I couldn’t blow up the window when he wasn’t distracted and now he’s distracted. It made sense! Plus I always have an emergency radio with me. Quartermasters prerogative.”

”I want one of those belts. Give me your coat, there we go.” 007 took the Sig-sauer out, pocketed it and threw the anorak down on the glass.

“You ruined it!” Q yelled as his precious anorak was laid over the glass, but 007 didn’t give a fuck and he yanked Q over it as fast as he could. "Ow, careful.  Shot remember, shit!"

“The entire world thanks me for ridding you of that hideous object, come on!” 007 pushed Q to the side of the door, propping him up against the wall. He used the sig-sauer to shoot the lock out before he yanked it open, to check the hallway and provide cover fire. His hand was grabbed as it came around the entrance, the gun ripped out of his hand and his arm nearly broken before the person attacking him stopped.


	35. I Want One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update, still no beta. forgive mess! there'll probably be one more chapter after this. thank you for reading :D feel free to kudo or comment, i don't bite...hard.

Q held his breath at the altercation, his hand moving to wrap his belt tight around his fist. He started as a second, but familiar, darker blond head popped out from around the corner. He sagged with relief. “006.”

James was more reserved in his greeting of his soon to be best, dead friend, “Alec.”

“Bond. Q.”

“Now that we’ve dealt with the pleasantries, hurk, can we go.” Q’s voice rose a bit at the end, the pain of his wound digging in, making life a bit more unpleasant than it currently was.

Alec frowned at the Quartermasters grunt of pain and odd posturing, “What’s wrong with your boyfriend.”

“Ventilation.” James said.

“You let him get shot!” Alec started to paw at Q, his frown digging in to form deep crags in his face, his blunt fingers prodding at the half soaked, smaller man.

For his inquisitiveness without permission, Q thumped 006 up the backside of his head. “I am neither completely helpless, nor his boyfriend. Stop poking at me.”

006 didn’t let up, no matter that Q continued to whack him. “Where is he shot and who shot him? And wet, why are you wet? Did you get them, Jameska or do we need to add to our list.”

“Oh, I don’t know, we might want to keep the perpetrator alive.” James grinned slyly.

Alec’s head whipped around, it was still being thumped on by Q, he stood up fully, taking the thumps on his shoulder instead. “What? Jameska, are you insane? No one shoots one of ours!”

“Ours?” Q asked. He winced as 006 finally found his wound and cursed, Alec tried to tug at the impromptu bandaging to see it and ended up poking Q too hard, next to his wound. “Stop that, you overgrown Russian...bear!”

“He means ‘ours’ as in those that are part of MI6.” James explained calmly, his eyes focused on the slightly open door. “Can we go now?”

“No we can’t and no I don’t mean that.”

“Yes, he does.” James said, bickering back automatically.

Q continued to push futilely at Alec, “Whatever, can we please get out of here, before I bleed to death?”

Alec’s mind was still on it’s one track, “Not without shooting the person who did this.”

Q made a sound that was reminiscent of a balloon deflating through a very tiny pinhole, as James shook next to him. “It was me alright, I shot myself.” Q nearly shouted into Alec’s ear.

“Why?”

James laughed openly at Alec and Q’s warring expressions. Q’s face was nearly crumpled up into a little storm cloud and Alec looked like a puppy that couldn’t find it’s tail.

“Well I didn’t do it on purpose. I tried to shoot out the two way mirror. I miscalculated the thickness of the glass and the angle of the ricochet.” Q snapped out at Alec, “Alright, are you happy!?”

Alec shook his head slowly, “You’re both insane.”

“I think that might just be a requirement for working at MI6. Look at you two idiots! Can we go now?” Q yelled again, “If I have to make that an order, I will.”

“What did you blow up?” James asked Alec, curious. He snagged the sig-sauer from Alec’s fingers.

“That wasn’t me.”

“Then what was it?” Q asked. Alec attempted to snug Q against him to head out into the hallway, but James fought him for that honor.

“For the love of all that’s...006, stop. 007, I’ll go with you, but the minute you baby me, I swear on all that is unholy that lives within the depths of Q-branch, I’ll only send you out with tic tacs and dental floss. Both of you. And even if you don’t baby me, I may send you out with tic tacs and floss. Watch me.”

“Will it be exploding dental floss? I haven’t had any of that in a while.” James said.

“Oh, shut up, 007.” Q grumbled, too grateful for two 00’s and the help to walk out in one piece.

Alec raised his hands in defeat, “Let’s just go.” Alec led point, as James assisted the Quartermaster out through the warren of tunnels that they had been held captive in. Both Q and James’s mouths dropped open at the damage to the surface and surrounding buildings of the compound.

“What...in…” 007 said, staring around. “Whatever did this, I want one.”

“Me too,” Q whispered in awe. “What was it?”

“Apparently, R got hold of a satellite. A really big satellite...with fire power. One of those,” Alec raised his voice to a higher pitch, “ _oh, we don’t have a weaponized satellite with ill-tempered laser beams hanging out in space_. Apparently, R knew where one was hiding and used the ill-tempered lasers. Here, listen." He popped his earwig out and they could hear a cacophony of sound coming from it. “They’ve been doing that since the first laser hit.”

Q smiled at the excitement coming through the earwig.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” James asked.

“A bit. I have Q and 007. IT’S A BIT DISTRACTING NOW, SHUT IT!” Alec yelled into the little bit of earwig. There was silence for half a second before the clamoring started up again.

James laughed at Alec’s face, his lip curled at the edge, but he sighed, preparing to stick it back in, when Q snatched it from him. James and Alec exchanged identical eye rolls as Q somehow, in his weakened condition from bloodloss took control of his branch and minions, miles and miles away from them.


	36. Another Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> el fin.

On the quiet, well as quiet as an airlift back to MI6 and medical, left Q in too awkward of a silence with 007. He still had the crumpled receipt hidden in his coat pocket. He had nearly injured one of the medics as they tried to take his anorak from him.

“I’ll hold onto that, thank you.” Q had hissed at the poor medic only trying to do his duty.

“Leave him his ugly ass coat. It’s his friend.” Bond had said, he plucked the coat out of the fierce grip of the Quartermaster and ignored his ferocious glaring.

Thankfully, there hadn’t been room for 006, who had pleaded and cajoled to be let on, but once again, Bond just firmly pushed him away and closed the door.

“Careful, it’s your friend.” Q had sniped.

“He can be replaced.”

“Don’t let psych hear you, they’ll make you do word association.”

Bond had laughed at that, Q smiled to himself, getting a double-oh to laugh was hard work, getting one to laugh AFTER a stressful situation was near impossible. Bond merely hugged Q’s anorak to himself and leaned back against the walls of the helicopter, he shook his head and stared fondly at Q.

“Am I a friend?” Q asked.

Bond’s friendly smiled turned pensive. “Could be.”

The medics chose that time to budge in and do their job and make sure that the Quartermaster didn’t bleed out on their watch. They asked all the important questions, took his vitals and Bond cheerfully sang out at one point.

“He shot himself. Forgot to calculate the angle against the bulletproof glass. Probably didn’t even factor in the fact that it was bulletproof.”

“A bubble wand and jellybeans.” Q muttered, “That’s all you're getting from Q-branch when you go out next time. I’ll give 006 the fun toys, he’s not bothering me.”

“No, but he would be if he were here. Relax Q, let the nice medics tear you apart in their desire to be helpful.”

“Oh god.” Q mumbled as the medics did in fact go at Q with gusto, scissors out, clothing cut, IV started, wound packed, “OW. OW. OW. OW.” He barely registered when the medics and Bond exchanged glances and a signal. “What’s that for…oh…” 

Bond leaned forward for a moment as Q relaxed into a much needed rest and silence, so the medics could work on him without causing him pain. “Q?”

“I...really...really...hate you...right now.” Q slurred, fighting through the sleep. “Bubble wand...jellybeans.”

Bond laughed and shifted to get out of the medics way, one of them made to prod at him, but one look and the medic backed off.

“He’s new.” The medic closest to Bond said, “Go on, scare him a bit more, he needs the training.”

Bond shook his head, medic humor. He closed his own eyes, and dozed himself, until they were landing and being whisked away, Bond had no choice but to go with them, orders from M and Moneypenny was waiting for them when they landed. 

“Tanner?” Bond asked.

“Interrogation, with M. Don’t worry, they’ll make it last for a nice, long time.” Money smiled, it was slow and mean. “It was nice to see R in action. She’s a bit different than Q, but I think I like that.”

“They make an interesting pair. I hope the interrogation continues, I’d like a shot at him, if I can.” Bond adjusted his cuffs, his eyes tightened as he replayed Q’s kidnapping from the CCTV. “They put him in a boot.”

Moneypenny’s lips firmed and she nodded, her heels clicking as they walked, “How was the extraction?”

“A ghost from Q’s past. Q nearly killed himself trying to escape.”

“Are we going to let him live that down?” Moneypenny asked, her dry humor surfacing, but Bond could see the dark circles under her eyes, she was tired, they all were.

“I’d say give him a few days to feel sorry for himself and then you can start poking fun at him.”

“Well, it’s medical for you and Q, poor dear and then M wants you debriefed.” Moneypenny tapped his arm with her tablet.

“No.”

“No to medical for you and Q, no to you and medical or no to poor dear or no to debriefing? Really James, use your words.” Moneypenny tsked, she poked him once more in the arm.

“I’ll go to medical and I’ll stay with Q, for safety.”

“Mmm hmm aaaaaaaand?”

“I’ll debrief when I feel like it.” Bond lengthened his strides, walking ahead of her.

“James.” Moneypenny said, sighing,she trotted to catch up, she snagged his elbow. “Don’t make me stun you.”

He looked down at her, a small half smile on his face, “If you can. How’s your aim with that?”

“Jerk.”

“Moneypenny.” Bond smiled as he followed Q’s stretcher through to medical and camped out in his room, Alec brought him clothes and pinched his cheeks.

“I hate you.”

“I know. I hate you too. Take a shower. I’ll sit with Mishka.” Alec made shooing motions with his hand and pulled his mobile out. “I’ll watch videos.”

“You know he’s going to kill you for that nickname when he wakes up, don’t you?” Bond laughed, his grip tightened on the bag of casual clothes Alec had brought for him, uncertain.

“Go, go shower, I’ll hang out with Mishka, don’t worry so. I didn’t let him get shot on MY watch.”

“Borscht.”

“Wow. That’s all you’ve got? Slipping Jameska, I’ll expect a very rude comment when you get out, now go play with your rubber duckie.” Alec said, laughing, he ducked out of the way as James took off his shoe and threw it at him.

“Butt face!”

Alec laughed, Bond could hear him through the door. A quick shower and the change into softer clothing did wonders for his spirit, Q was still asleep and true to his word, Alec was watching something on his mobile. Without saying anything, Alec stood up, winked and left the room. All that was left was James in his ‘pajamas’ and a softly snoring Q. To hell with it. He was tired, sore and the chairs were hard and painful. He lifted the sheet and scooted under, Q giving way, a snort and a roll, until they were tucked together like spoons. James relaxed, Q was safe, not actively throwing a snit and they would talk about what kind of writing Q would expect from him. He crossed his arms across his chest and buried his nose in a bony shoulder blade, sleep taking him. Tomorrow was a new day, another chance to live, to die.

el fin


End file.
